I love to write. I love to share ideas and hear opinions. I love to read and learn. I love to share what I’ve learned. I’ve seen many people; scared people, hurting people. I WAS one of those people. I remember hurting. I remember hating myself. I remember feeling so out of control. I remember searching for answers and not finding any!! Finding other people who had gone through what I had. Some of them in different stages of healing, some not, but still not many answers.
“Fake it until you make it.”
“Live life on life’s terms.”
“Once an addict, always an addict.”
And a lot of what I heard just didn’t square with what I knew of God’s love and His amazing plan. I knew God was a God of second chances and of redemption. He is a healer and a comforter. And He wants to USE his children, not leave them sitting on the sidelines with an injury! So what did that mean?? I had a mental illness. I struggled with addiction. So was I useless? Was I already out of the game when it had barely started? That just didn’t jive with the amazing God of love who I knew. Something was wrong.
The first change I made was spending some time in an in-patient, Christian “life-change” program. This program turned my eyes back to God. I found a group of people who chose to dedicate their lives to God’s amazing work of saving lives. These people lived their lives as if the scripture was word-for-word truth! Imagine that! It was exhilarating. They helped me to act on my faith again. That beautiful simple faith that says “God will do what He says He will do.” I also learned about the lies, shame and fear that Satan was using to hold me down. The funniest part is that I was kicked out of this program!! They felt that I didn’t have the proper attitude to succeed. But that’s ok, that may have just been God telling me it was time to move on. Because the few months that I spent there reminded me of who God was and who I was and what was important. It got me looking in the right direction again . . . up!
Now I was clean and sober. And I was trying to reach for God again. I was headed in the right direction. I was going to a good church. I had a good support network. I was going to meetings, Christian meetings even. I was taking care of my kids. But I wasn’t thriving. I was . . . stale . . . stagnate . . . and holding on by the tips of my fingers. I was trying to fix my marriage, trying to MAKE it work, and it wasn’t. Then I got pregnant. And my husband disappeared. And I thought, “God, what in the WORLD are you doing?!”
Now getting pregnant was stressful enough, but the problem was that every time I got pregnant, I had to go off of my psych meds. And when I went off of my psych meds, I relapsed. This was not a good prospect. So I started doing some research. I went off the most dangerous of my psych meds and started taking a few supplements that wouldn’t interfere with the anti-depressant I was on. After the withdrawals were finished, I started noticing some serious differences in how I felt and how I handled life. A couple months later I stopped taking the anti-depressant and I was able to go to a naturopath who specializes in depression. She helped me craft a regime of supplements that made a HUGE difference. I started learning about how nutrition effects my attitude and my body. I started making changes.
In both of my pregnancies with my other two sons, I had relapsed. Being off of my medications was always more than I could handle. In my fourth pregnancy, for the first time ever, I had a pregnancy that was healthy all the way through. I delivered a beautiful baby boy, at home, without ever relapsing. Without even feeling the need to relapse. I think that experience, more than anything else, proved to me that I was healing. That God had healed some of my old wounds. He was moving and working in my life.
I kept researching on my own. I read blogs, I read books, I ran up some serious library fines!! I kept trying new things. And I kept feeling better and better. It was amazing. And then I moved into a new apartment and within 60 days I couldn’t breathe. I was having some serious asthma symptoms. I could no longer carry my 7 month old baby up the flight of stairs to go to bed at night without having a severe asthma attack. So I went to a doctor. And then I was referred to another doctor. They tested my lungs and tested me for allergies. My lung function was 52% of what it should have been! The doctor tried one medicine and that brought it up to 58%, then he added another medicine and brought it up to 64%. And he couldn’t find any allergies. He was pretty frustrated. After he put me on some super strong medication to “make sure it’s really asthma” and I got VERY sick, I decided I wanted to try something different.
I read a book about the root cause of auto-immune diseases. I decided to change the way I was eating. I mean I REALLY changed how I was eating. Basically I started eating nothing but meat and veggies. That’s it. Nothing processed. No sugar, no fruit, no dairy, no grain, no yeast. It was very hard. But I learned some more. I learned that I had a serious addiction to sugar. I mean, I had known that I was sensitive to sugar, but I didn’t realize just HOW bad the addiction was. I had some serious detox symptoms, but then it felt SO good to be free of that! I got my symptoms down to where they were no longer waking me up multiple times each night with asthma attacks. I still had to be careful, but I could live.
I knew I needed some professional help. But naturopaths are expensive and my insurance no longer covered the one I had seen initially. I tried to find one who would work on a sliding scale or a payment plan, but I had no luck. Finally after several months I found an office who was willing to work with me. I saw a nutritionist there and she changed a few things and we’re still working together, one step at a time. I was on the right track but I still needed some tweaking. My breathing has improved some more with the changes.
I’m still learning. I’m still changing. When I look back, I find it kind of amazing how God has brought me down this path. He keeps pushing me, showing me new things. And now I feel called to share these things with you. I know that there are hurting people out there who can be blessed by my story. I can give them hope and encouragement. And that’s what it’s all about. That’s the most important thing a person can do here on earth, reach out and touch another’s heart and help them to heal.
So this is my prayer, “Feed me, Yahweh. I want only the best you have for me. I need your sustenance. Feed me Yahweh!! Because I need only you!”